Battle Royale: Cycling vs. trail running

2015 Tour de France at Alpe d'Huez

It's July again, which means for many of us, it's Tour de France season. Long before I became a runner, and long before I was a surfer, I was a cyclist. Now, I'm no spring chicken, so cycling back then meant foam helmets, if at all, wool jerseys, and bikes primarily made in Italy. Today, cycling is nearly mainstream. Nearly everyone has heard of the TDF and everyone has seen little pelotons of aspiring middle-aged cyclists on their local roads, but not everyone knows what goes on in the life of an amateur cyclist. So for everyone's edification and my amusement, here's my literary diarrhea comparing cycling and trail/ultra-running for how ludicrous it makes an amateur practitioner's life, using the same categories I used in comparing ultrarunning with surfing. So which athlete is more ludicrous? Let's find out. Ludicrous speed, ... Go!

By the numbers. If you are my wife, please skip this section. Neither cycling nor ultrarunning are cheap sports, not for me anyway. Running should be a simple sport - just grab a pair of shoes and go. In the past 12 months, I bought 4 pairs of Hoka and Altra shoes, so that's $500 or more. I've run 5 races in the past 12 months. Add $600 for entry fees. Travel costs? Even discounting the Eiger Ultratrail in Switzerland, 4 of the 5 were still out of town. Folsom (RDL), Malibu (SOB), Auburn (Canyons) and San Diego - 3 road trips, 1 flight, 8 hotel nights. I won't add that all up, but it's not cheap - $3000-$4000 that I should have spent on my wife. For cycling, I bought a modest road bike and gear that will last me for several years until my back gives out. Amortizing $1500 over 10 years, annual cost is barely more than the few bottles of wine I need to bribe my wife to not laugh at me in my cycling clothes. Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 1, cycling 0.

Danger. I periodically put myself in precarious situations while trail running. Just this past weekend, I ran solo into the mountains while a thunderstorm was coming in. Thankfully, the scattered thunderstorms never materialized - just cold, blowing rain, on a rock strewn mountain trail, traversing steep snow pitches and clawing my way uphill scree running. No phone, no GPS. I had an emergency coat in case I broke an ankle and rescue would be hours away. For cycling, I have a flashing red light on the back of my bike so that even drunk ninnies can see me. But at least if I get hit by a car, my family can find me, not a search party. Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 2, cycling 0.

Time. One of the reasons I got into running is that I made the argument that a good cycling workout required at least 4 hours every weekend. Running was usually 1 or 2 hours at most. That was back when I was a more reasonable person. After persistent loss of brain cells over the years, running longer distances became the norm, as did my recent 8 hour "fun run", not to mention 24+ hour races. Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 3, cycling 0.

Getting a tan while watching the TDF

Tan lines. Unless you're this guy enjoying the TDF, you're going to get a tan line from cycling.... on shaved legs. At least ultrarunners can periodically be out shirtless and get tanned like the athletic gods that we are. Goddesses, too - let me know when you're running out there shirtless, I'll be happy to pace you.

;-)

Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 3, cycling 1.

Docudrama about crime and cycling.

Movies. Trail running movies, like surfing movies are short, plotless travel dioramas, intended to inspire, and let's face it, humble brag about the runners in them. There are cycling movies like that, of course, or at least short videos on Youtube. However, there are also real movies about cycling - not just documentaries but serious earnest dramas and historical fiction. Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 3, cycling 2.

Dogs. Can't take your dog cycling? Well, I can't take my dog running much either. Old Rustle can do 8 miles on a good day. So it's really a toss-up here. But this picture alone should be enough to convince you that dog cycling is ludicrous. Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 3, cycling 3.

Paws to the metal! (image: bikeroar.tumblr.com)

Snot. Snot rockets in a peloton going 30 miles per hour. 'nuff said. Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 3, cycling 4.

Poop. As a poop-in-the-woods-wipe-with-a-broad-leaf veteran trail runner, I thought this would be an easy category for ultra runners. Then I found this article about pros defecating (from Latin: defaecare) mid-ride. That alone should dissuade most aspiring professional cyclists. However, this post isn't about what pros go through, but what the vast majority of us amateur athletes go through. When I need to BM while cycling, I'll ride until I find a proper bathroom. Thank you, Starbucks. Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 4, cycling 4.

Post-session dining. One only needs to see our local Los Gatos Roasting Co. coffee house on a weekend morning to witness cyclists gathering for their post-ride snack. I know because it's the same place we go for our post-run snack. Ludicrous score: toss-up.

Non-Americans. In the U.S., cycling is an activity often associated with spandex clad, speed hungry, frequently overweight middle aged, upper-middle class (mostly) men. But in other parts of the world, cycling is a reasonable activity. In Europe, cycling is a simple means of transport. It's very efficient in their small, compact cities. In China, where bicycles used to be ubiquitous, cycling is associated with people who can't afford cars. Ultrarunning is the same world-wide. Its participants are aging, youth-obsessed idiots in every country, half over the age of 40! Ludicrous score: ultrarunning 5, cycling 4.

Tim Olson. Ultrarunner Extraordinaire.

Ideal Athlete. Pictured on the left is Peter Sagan, current cycling world champion and winner of the 2015 Amgen Tour of California. On the right is Tim Olson, record holder at the Western States 100 mile endurance run. Notice the differences? Any similarities? One more clue, below is a picture of yours truly, running up Alpe d'Huez. What do all three of us have in common? That's right. All three of us are devilishly handsome. And one of us is a delirious ultrarunner/blogger. Your guess is as good as mine which one that is.  Ludicrous score: toss-up.

Peter Sagan. Cyclist Extraordinaire. 

Yours truly. Blogger, cyclist, ultrarunner fairly-orginaire.

The final tally, ultrarunners 5, cyclists 4. By a hair, or by my gorgeous long locks, according to my arbitrary metrics, I find that ultrarunners are more ludicrous than cyclists. What does that make me, as both a runner and a cyclist?  Devilishly handsome of course. Or delirious.