I volunteer as tribute!

The scene is February, 2017, Houston, Texas, Superbowl 51. Tom Brady is scrambling. Not because he’s being rushed by the opposing defense. No, he’s scrambling to fulfill his volunteer obligations before the game starts. The rules are that all NFL players must “volunteer” 8 hours at a high school, college or pro football game by ushering, cleaning, working the concession stand, doing lawn maintenance or cleaning the parking lot.

The scene is renowned restaurant, French Laundry in Napa Valley. After reserving and paying the $295 set menu price, diners are requested to “volunteer” their time by picking cabbage, birthing calves, plucking feathers off hens, or cleaning pigs. Diners at the more accessible Bistro Jeanty are only asked to help set tables, clear dishes and cut vegetables.

Sound ludicrous? Perhaps, but just because an idea sounds ridiculous doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea.

Ultrarunning may be alone among activities in that not only are you required to pay to participate, $100 to a gillion dollars, but there is also mandatory volunteerism. Ultrarunners aren’t the brightest bulbs in the box, and the term oxymoron can’t be clearly seen by their dim light. In any case, voluntary mandatorism isn’t a bad idea. A lot of the 100 mile races require volunteering at races - working at aid stations, handing out race bibs, marking courses, massaging dirty, sexy runners. The more prestigious races require trail work - grunt work shoveling dirt, trimming bushes, pulling weeds, shoveling horse manure off the trail, etc.

It's all for a good cause. The vandatory molunteering does provide a needed source of free labor for races and trail work, but I can't imagine the small number of idiots running 100 miles makes a huge dent in the number of people needed to run races or keep up trails. No, I think there is a perverse pleasure taken by race directors. In the guise of “giving back”, they are just toying with us idiots and seeing how far we will go. It's bad enough that we can't even get into these races. Sometimes we can't even get into the qualifying races. The race directors are just toying with us.

This just goes to show how far ultrarunners will go to enter a race. Just how far could race directors push runners?

Pay homage to the Tarahumara with corn
Paint the race director’s house
Shave your head and donate your hair
Confirmed completion of a beer mile
Photo proof of running a race in white spandex shorts
A bottle of Pliny the Elder for the race director

Whatever it is, if it will get me into Western, I’ll do it. You will, too.