A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Race Report

BHAG. So I’m not a corporate muckety-muck, but an ultrarunning schmuckety-schmuck can still motivate other morons to do something stupid without regard to social consequences. The idea is to take a trail section we all despise, the 1.5 mile Dogmeat climb, and do it, not once or twice, but a BHAG-worthy 10 times. It’s a simple enough course even ultrarunners can understand. Do something once, and then keep doing it. If we had talent, we could do two things simultaneously, like run and catch a ball, or sing and stay in tune. Left foot, right foot, repeat.

The 10 summits also makes it approximately a skyrace-ultra worthy 50km with 10,000+ ft elevation gain, two more easy-to-remember round numbers. We proved it could be done with an unofficial fatass last year, and this year, we made it an official dumbass fatass on ultrasignup, The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day 50k.

Active recovery en route to a Fun Run course record, Johnny Burton

The morons entrants had the choice of when to start, what supplies to bring (because I wasn’t ferrying supplies for 30 people; I’m less race director and more instigator), and what distance to run. Heck they could drop from the full monty 50km 10 Dogmeat-o-rama to a half-the-Dogmeat “Fun Run” on race day. Oh, the temptation. One schmuck even took up the option of the (Johnny) Double, 6 little doggies on Saturday and another 6 on Sunday. Truly, this was a choose-your-own-idiotic-adventure race. As a free fatass event, at least the runners were sure to get their money’s worth. Maybe.

Where's the beach?

Race day, March 16 happens to be National Everything You Do is Right Day. It also happens to be the first dry weekend we’ve had in NorCal in weeks. Not just dry, but over 70F on this exposed fire road, so,... surprise heat training! I brought three gallons of ice and water, two bowls of fruit, a beach chair and umbrella. The chair was intended to coax my wife into climbing up those first two miles to cheer us or heckle us, her choice, but I ended up relying on it to recuperate for my later ascents. For what it’s worth, she did come and even went up Dogmeat once, and asked, rhetorically of course, what idiot would want to do this more than once. For starters, the one she married, duh!

Early runner, and one of 3 finishers last year, Anil Rao

A few schmucks runners started as early as 4AM. By the time I arrived a few minutes before sunrise, the trail was already full. They say misery loves company, but why all these morons hearty souls decided to spend their Saturday on a hot, steep fire road is nearly incomprehensible. I guess these ultraidiots ultrarunners are just easily suggestible. Gullible too, as some really fooled themselves into believing the 18-mile 5 summit climb was really a “fun run”.

Matt Marino, overall winner

While most us were trying to just survive, we got to enjoy the Matt-Johnny-Sam-Stuart show 20 times as these young guns flew past us going up and down Dogmeat. In most trail races, I’m surrounded by people as slow as I am and never see the race leaders. I generally assume that their parents have bribed the race officials into letting their kids win, but witnessing the go-for-broke speed these boys were going was legit humbling.

Larry and Stuart grinding it out

As the day wore on, the fun of the first 5 summits were turning into a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad sufferfest for my final 5 ascents. By this time, many people had gone home after their 5 summits and the faster boys were about done. It appeared that I was DFL and would soon be alone on the trail. I was steering a BMW* all morning and my internal combustion engine was about to backfire. With the outlook that I would have the road to myself for my last 3 summits, I took the next opportunity for a pit stop to clean out my carburetor before blowing my O-rings. Hey, I could go on all day because… because poop is funny. And trail poop is funnier.

Gilles Davery unchallenged but incomparable in the Double category

In any case, I wasn’t alone for long because Gilles came late in the afternoon to run the first half. And although I was hurting, I kept on moving. I didn’t have to waste time lying on the ground questioning my life choices because I’d already pre-questioned them the day before. Planning! And while many races say they care about the last place finisher as much as the first, I knew that was definitely true in this case. I finished my final summit but still had to carry a gallon of water, two half empty fruit bowls and a beach chair, and run down 2 miles to break 11 hours, but at least I didn’t have to come back the next day like Gilles did. Vive le moi!

International sign for 10 summits - also, I give up! 

Spot the descents

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Wall of Shame

Double

1. 10:00 Gilles Davery

50k, 10 Summits (Dogmeat time only)

1. 5:30 Matt Marino (6:19 total time)
2. 5:45 John Burton
3. 7:44 Bipul Talukdar (8:54 total time)
4. 7:45 Edmundo Pacheco
5. 9:23 Duke Hong (10:52 total time)

Fun Run, 5 Summits (Dogmeat time only)

1. 2:39 Samuel Cox (unofficial)
   2:43 Stuart Taylor
2. 3:29 Bob Callahan
3. 3:44 Ramiro Garcia
4. 3:55 Kiran Krishnamurthy
5. 4:16 Jessi Goldstein
6. 4:32 Krishna Parthaje

Other Multiple Ascents

     (4) Anil Rao, Baban Kenkre, Lucia Chacon
     (3) Michele Sun, Pedro Navarro, Sajeer Vazhil, Mubarek Seyed 
     (2) Justin Atteberry, Stephen Strauss

* BMW, bowel movement in the works