A brief history of idiot ultrarunners
A brief history, because ultrarunners can't process too many words all at once....
Garden of Eden - Adam and Eve run the first ever trail race. Eve stops at an unauthorized aid station and takes an apple from her crew. Mankind is forever disqualified from future naked trail runs and banished to chafing forever.
1300 B.C. - Moses begins a solo unsupported ultramarathon from Egypt to Israel. Throngs of Jewish fans follow his exodus on foot because they can't get his Twitter updates.
490 B.C. - Pheidippides runs himself to death. Sometime in the 19th century, an English poet makes up a mythical tale of Pheid's run, and the Windsor Castle to London distance of 26.2 miles becomes the yardstick to separate normal runners from idiots.
1266 - Marco Polo sets the FKT from Venice to Beijing. 3 years later, he will set the record for R2R2R - rim-to-rim-to-rim of the known world.
1806 - Lewis and Clark run the first trans-America ultramarathon, with Sacajewea as their pacer.
1896 - The first modern Olympic games are held. Spyros Louis misses the bus to Olympic stadium in Athens. Instead he runs from his home in Marathon and argues that his 24.8 mile detour should be designated as an official event.
1963 - The first JFK 50 mile run is held, its the goal showing that military noncommissioned officers should be able to cover 50 miles in 20 hours. Instead of military personnel, more civilians than military sign up, proving that in some cases, military intelligence actually does exist.
1974 - Gordy Ainsleigh proves once and for all that humans can be dumber than a horse, and completes the 100 mile Tevis Cup on foot. Generations of runners will follow suit, proving that they too can be dumber than a horse, not to mention dumber than Gordy.
1980 - Three years after Al Arnold completes the first Badwater 135 ultramarathon, Gary Morris proves that one idiot begets more idiots.
2001 - The first Ultra-Trail du Mont Blanc is held, proving that if you put a fancy French name to an idiotic 100+ mile run, you can attract more than 2,000 "runners".
2006 - Jack Sullivan wins the Darwin Award for running off a cliff while running - taking fell running to the extreme.
2009 - Born to Run is published. Chris McDougall convinces millions to ditch their running shoes for sandals. In a few years, millions will ditch people experienced in government for Donald Trump - the thong sandal of politicians.
2011 - Rebecca Black releases "Friday". This has nothing do with running, but it's idiotic nonetheless.
2015 - Johnny Burton and crew run a vertical beer mile, demonstrating that it's impossible to underestimate the intelligence of ultrarunners.
2016 - Chris Froome, on stage 12 of the Tour de France, demonstrates that cyclists can be running idiots, too, by running an ultra-short 0.5 km marathon., hoping that no-one notices that his bike is missing.
2016 - Jim Walmsley, leads the iconic Western States with a comfortable lead on the course record before getting lost. His biggest fail of the day is that nasty crop-top. Was that really necessary?
Garden of Eden - Adam and Eve run the first ever trail race. Eve stops at an unauthorized aid station and takes an apple from her crew. Mankind is forever disqualified from future naked trail runs and banished to chafing forever.
1300 B.C. - Moses begins a solo unsupported ultramarathon from Egypt to Israel. Throngs of Jewish fans follow his exodus on foot because they can't get his Twitter updates.
490 B.C. - Pheidippides runs himself to death. Sometime in the 19th century, an English poet makes up a mythical tale of Pheid's run, and the Windsor Castle to London distance of 26.2 miles becomes the yardstick to separate normal runners from idiots.
1266 - Marco Polo sets the FKT from Venice to Beijing. 3 years later, he will set the record for R2R2R - rim-to-rim-to-rim of the known world.
1806 - Lewis and Clark run the first trans-America ultramarathon, with Sacajewea as their pacer.
1896 - The first modern Olympic games are held. Spyros Louis misses the bus to Olympic stadium in Athens. Instead he runs from his home in Marathon and argues that his 24.8 mile detour should be designated as an official event.
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| Spyros Louis |
1963 - The first JFK 50 mile run is held, its the goal showing that military noncommissioned officers should be able to cover 50 miles in 20 hours. Instead of military personnel, more civilians than military sign up, proving that in some cases, military intelligence actually does exist.
1974 - Gordy Ainsleigh proves once and for all that humans can be dumber than a horse, and completes the 100 mile Tevis Cup on foot. Generations of runners will follow suit, proving that they too can be dumber than a horse, not to mention dumber than Gordy.
1980 - Three years after Al Arnold completes the first Badwater 135 ultramarathon, Gary Morris proves that one idiot begets more idiots.
2001 - The first Ultra-Trail du Mont Blanc is held, proving that if you put a fancy French name to an idiotic 100+ mile run, you can attract more than 2,000 "runners".
2006 - Jack Sullivan wins the Darwin Award for running off a cliff while running - taking fell running to the extreme.
2009 - Born to Run is published. Chris McDougall convinces millions to ditch their running shoes for sandals. In a few years, millions will ditch people experienced in government for Donald Trump - the thong sandal of politicians.
2011 - Rebecca Black releases "Friday". This has nothing do with running, but it's idiotic nonetheless.
2015 - Johnny Burton and crew run a vertical beer mile, demonstrating that it's impossible to underestimate the intelligence of ultrarunners.
2016 - Chris Froome, on stage 12 of the Tour de France, demonstrates that cyclists can be running idiots, too, by running an ultra-short 0.5 km marathon., hoping that no-one notices that his bike is missing.
2016 - Jim Walmsley, leads the iconic Western States with a comfortable lead on the course record before getting lost. His biggest fail of the day is that nasty crop-top. Was that really necessary?
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