A Gentlemen Runner's Guide to Trail Defacation

For many years now, certain gentlemen and ladies have pursued pedestrial physical regimens covering scores of miles and dozens of hours. Any pursuit of that duration naturally begs the question of what a gentleman is deigned to do when nature calls. I hope this article provides a parsimonious guide to the gentleman trail runner on proper etiquette and technique that will prevent you from transmogrifying into an uncivilized ursus defecatus.


One should be able to maintain bowel integrity for the first few hours of an ultramarathon with adequate preparation. Supper the night before the race should be modest, not substantial and void of fiber rich foods, lest one desires unnecessarily vigorous gastrointestinal activity. Be sure to rise early and stretch. A little bit of invigorating but light calisthenics could loosen up the bowels for a little pre-run movement in your home, hotel or campground. A splash of water followed by lubricant, petroleum jelly or Aquaphor (not a paid endorsement), should have you feeling peachy and prepared for the day's journey.

Most ultra marathons are held in campestral areas, devoid of modern conveniences and plumbing. Unless you are a regular practitioner of gentlemen's poop, it's wise to pack a few sheets of tissue in a ziplock plastic bag. Even if you do manage to meet cousin john at an aid station, having your own tissue supply is a simple guarantee against the dreaded vapor roll. Make a mental note of where the lavatories are located, as depending on your biological Zeitgeber, your needs may arise well in between them.

If your natural needs should require urgent attention, you will have to find a spot hidden in the bushes at least 20 yards off the trail. Prepare a trench for your craftwork using a rock or your heel. It does not have to be deep if there are loose rocks and leaves that can be placed on top with subtle traces, if any at all, of your visit. Make your earthly receptacle as deep as possible in a timely manner. If there are indications that you might defecate like a towser, you want your trench deep enough that your stalactites do not meet your stalagmites.

As you crouch, ensure your phallus points away from your drawers and shoes. Number two is nearly always accompanied by a number one, and a gentleman prefers to leave without marking one's sartorial style with all of his days productivities.

Tissues are best packed away and disposed. Small, dark plastic bags, like the sort used to clean up after canines, are best. Seal this bag inside your original ziplock. You do not want the appearance of your jobbies nor the alliaceous oder of them to spoil your victorious entry into the next aid station.

Ladies, I do not know how much of this applies to your feminine needs. As a gentleman, I prefer not to pontificate on nor dictate your particular processes. I always imagined that when you powder your noses, it magically eliminates the need for other bodily functions. I do find it curious though that ladies refer to the House of Lords as the "powder room". As a military man, a powder room is where we stored explosives.

With best regards and wishes for a civilized and successful trail run,

- a fan of Thomas Crapper.