Bring in da Funk - Dealing with post-DNF depression

Depression, as in the Allie Brosh edition, isn’t really depression unless there is no reason to be depressed. I have plenty of things to be grateful for, and a life that would leave 96.86% of people jealous, that’s everyone minus pi, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be depressed. Not budding-alcoholic depressed, but more like Bill Murray in the first half of all his movies depressed.

OK, so I DNF’ed. Twice, now. And have not yet run a hundred miles. Big effin deal. I still ran way longer and way farther than everyone I knew until I started running around these circles (bad pun intended). And I can still run two and a half or three marathons in a row any time. And I still have my stupid health at nearly 50 years of age. But still… I suck. At least I feel like I do.

One of things that make a defeat tough to accept in an ultrarun, or even a less than stellar finish, is that you’re likely to be outrun by people that are older, heavier, pregnant(-er?), uglier, dumber or have one or two fewer limbs. It's humbling. It seems no matter how much civilians are amazed at our “achievements”, deep down we are still comparing ourselves to those that kicked our ass and maybe at least on surface we should have been able to kick theirs.

Not to mention against our own expectations. After all, ultrarunning isn't really a me-versus-other runners type sport. It's an us-versus-the-distance sport. It's natural to compare ourselves against others, but running 12, 18, 24+ hours is anything but natural.

Either way, I still feel defeated. Depressed. Regressed. Not impressed.

I need another 100. I also need to rest from my last attempt. And I also need to find the energy to get up and train and get out and race again. And in the meantime, I need the energy to get out of bed and get through the workday.

But the other aspect of ultrarunning that makes DNF hard to accept is that redemption is so far away. Like the idiot I am, I haven’t learned my lesson. I need to be punished again. But I have to wait. The ultrarunning world demands that races have to be signed up months in advance, so my next chance won’t come until…. 8 weeks! I have just 54 days until Angeles Crest. If I don’t make it, it could be months, or another year. But honestly, it could be DNF after DNF for another 10 years and I’ll keep coming back. I just don’t learn.